The holidays are supposed to be fun and relaxing, but we all know how hard it can be fulfilling expectations and keeping the peace among family members. Maintaining healthy boundaries are crucial for ensuring your holidays are as healthy as possible. A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect – which opens a door for all kinds of unpleasant tension. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries minimizes holiday stress and can improve relationships with family members year round. Let’s take a look at what setting boundaries can look like!
One way to set a healthy boundary is by setting limits. A limit is not an ultimatum- it’s a choice with a consequence. It’s important to remember that you can’t force someone to behave a certain way, but by offering choices you can teach and reinforce appropriate behavior. For example, if you want to visit multiple people on the holidays but know that will upset someone, instead of saying, “We’re not spending all day at your house”, you could say “We’d love to spend time with you, but also have to share our time with other family. Would it work better for you to have lunch together, or dinner?”. This version allows you to ensure your limit on your time is respected, but also allows for the other person to choose their preferred “consequence”. The purpose of these boundaries is to teach and communicate to others what your needs are. So remember to be realistic and proactive in setting your boundaries!
For many people, setting boundaries is difficult because it is part of growth and, as we all know, growing isn’t always a comfortable change! When starting the process, it’s normal to feel guilty for setting that line or feel afraid to hurt feelings or be rejected. When communicating these boundaries, it helps to soften the conversation by replacing “but” with “and also”. For example, “I love getting together with you for lunch, and also, when you’re late with no warning it’s disrespectful of my time. Next time you’re running late, please text me and let me know.” or “I appreciate your concern for my well being, and also, when you make comments about my weight it makes me uncomfortable.” Phrasing your frustrations like this also reminds people that love and caring can coexist with anger and frustration.
Guilt is a totally normal feeling after setting these boundaries, especially if the other person does not take it well. It’s ok to feel this way, and it’s ok for the other person to be upset at first, but remember that their emotions and their reactions to those feelings are not your responsibility. Your first priority is to tend to your health and ensure you are respecting yourself. You cannot change or control somebody else’s emotions or actions, but you have the power to control yours! At the end of the day, they will have to learn how to manage their own feelings – and your boundaries act as that learning opportunity. The most important part of boundaries are to make sure they are enforced consistently. Guilt is okay, but don’t give into it and compromise the integrity of the hard work you’ve done to create a healthier environment for yourself!
Lastly, these boundaries will, and should, look different for every person. Something that is no big deal for one person, might be incredibly hurtful to another – and that’s okay! Your needs and feelings are valid and need to be respected. Creating these boundaries takes time, patience, and practice; but the rewards are so worth it!
Do you find yourself struggling with knowing your boundaries or need support while enforcing them? Our therapists can provide you with the tools and encouragement to start the healing process! Click here to schedule your session!